Diary of Tarantula Lau – March 24

6 02 2018

I have started talking to my plants every morning.

Perhaps I am craving Spring, or needing a safety valve to let off a surplus of pent up empathy.

When I am on the street, the movement of branches against the sky or a blossoming magnolia will stop me in my tracks.

I am supposed to be scanning the crowds, keeping my line of sight level with the faces of strangers, but I find myself looking up or down instead.

 

 

Every morning i talk to them in a small coaxing voice. Grow. Grow. Grow.

They are the only other things living in my room besides me.

 

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They don’t leave you with much

6 02 2018

He gave you tears cried late at night

another Saturday wasted & drunk

he said —

something about a girl in a yellow dress —

a song that his father loved.

He made you listen to it twice, each time he cried

tears that felt significant

like glimpsing something through a crack in the door.

“I’m starting to love her like you loved me”

Words texted to you, months later,

as if it were an unexpected blessing

the coda to your heartbreak, a miracle

your ashes your burning down

providing nourishment to his spring, bursting through the topsoil

Glory! Hallelujah!

 

Oh

Poor you

Boo hoo

Always the worshiper, never the worshiped

Always the shadow, cast upon the ground, by some sunnier, better lover

 

What about the love you squandered?

He bought you a necklace – a piece of glass the color of mouthwash

Back when the apartment spent most of his cash, he bought it for you with

as much as he could afford and more

Back when the two of you slept on your mother’s borrowed bed

awash in afternoon light and fumbling at sex. When

you felt something like worship and seen

but you were ugly in small fearful ways

You put the cat in a box and left shit in the garage

 

Did you think you’d forget?

That you could dress yourself up in sensible slacks, estranged from regret

That you could step out on the snow and not think about the roiling worms below

That you could take the next step as the first?

 

And why not?

Why not lie to yourself and say —

I am good,

and I deserve to give and receive love in equal measure

I will not put myself above or below my lover

and I will learn to use the postal service, put away money,

and speak regularly to my mother

I am finally whole and healed

and all of that was in the past

why not?





1.21.2008

25 12 2017

《疝气手术》
(写给孙鹏翼)
我不介意
你的鸡巴
被医生摸过
我介意的是
他摸的时候有没有戴
胶皮手套
2008.01.21

 

Hernia Surgery

for Sun Pengyi

I don’t mind
the doctor
touching
your dick
I mind that
when he touched it
he wasn’t wearing
rubber gloves





As you are

5 09 2017

I like you as you are
See the light bouncing off you
like sunlight on the lake
and celebrate

You are not wrong
or bad
or sinful
You are you
who makes me want to sing

I want your forest on me and around me
I want to go into your realm
and knock politely on doors
and walk away if they don’t open
and feel unperturbed

I want to show you the depths of gentleness
how soft softness can be

I want to be gentle
and unassuming
in hope
that you might put the star back
on your brow
and step out





(12.26.2007) & (12.30.2007)

5 09 2017

《短诗》
你的鸡巴
又短又湿

Short Poem

Your cock
is short and wet

《失眠》
我在床上
你在上床

Insomnia

I’m on the bed
You’re on the bed





(12.21.2007)

28 08 2017

《青春》
青春很瘦
一阵微风就把它吹走了
回来的时候
带着肥胖的棺材

Youth

Youth is slim –
A gust of wind blows it away
Upon return,
A bloated coffin follows





(8.13.2007)

21 08 2017

《只言片语》

我是死去的诗人
双目已盲
一只眼中是日食
一只眼中是月食
我愿用所有的性交
换回只言片语
我愿用所有的光彩
换回苍白

A Few Words

I am a dead poet
blind,
the solar eclipse
in one eye
lunar
in the other
I would trade all fucking
for a few words
I would exchange all glory
for the pale