The Stallion that Mounts the Earth and then Eats Up All of Its Resources and Then Dies

16 06 2014

Lately, I’m feeling like eight different emotions at any given moment. Shanghai has been a bit hard to swallow over the last few weeks, kind of like breakfast, because I’m not a breakfast person. Sometimes, when I’m bringing that granola bar up to my lips I want to vomit three ways from Thursday. But one needs breakfast, otherwise one tends to eat the world at lunchtime, and the world can’t handle that shit.

Speaking of which. We’ve been over how I’m afraid the sun will swallow up the earth, but recently I’ve found a new way to fear annihilation. Like all things I’m afraid of, I try not to think about it too much, but basically I’m scared that human beings are going to eat up all of the Earth’s resources in, like, 50 years, and it’s gonna be all like Ooo-wah-Waterworld. Yeah, I know at this point you’re like…”but that tomato plant was still growing cause he watered it with his pee, and isn’t everyone afraid that humanity is going to eat up all the resources?”

But this thing I read was extra scary (have you noticed a downtrend in conversational citations lately? Everyone starts conversations with “This thing I read” or “I read this article the other day” Shit is getting lax, but I don’t really care, cause it plays to my dilettantish tendencies). This thing I read was extra scary, because the article said that eventually, humanity is actually going to eat into the crust of the earth, carving it up like an apple, and then there won’t even be any dirt left. Just a bunch of fatties who have gloomy long-term prospects, glued together by their mutually attracting gravitational pulls.

Wow. I just Googled “the Earth as a carved up apple”, to meet my image quota and keep your crappy 21st century attention spans from buzzing off somewhere else, and the resultant images of the earth carved into an apple are both impressive, and a tiny bit sad. I wonder if they dabbed lemon juice onto the apple flesh to keep it from oxidizing during the earths

Or is it the Photoshop?

So, that’s one thing I’m feeling. Afraid that we humans are like those terrible termites in that one episode of the Berenstain Bears TV show. BerenSTAIN!? That’s how you spell it?! Seriously!? Interrobang?!

Another thing I’m feeling is…reluctance to start on a translation project for this medical equipment manufacturer…because…well I try to delay excitement for as long as possible. /end sarcasm

I also have this terrible craving to eat a salami. An entire salami. WHO GETS CRAVINGS LIKE THAT!?!? If you get cravings like that, could you let me know? Because I feel so alone.

I also really miss Italy. God. I REALLY miss Italy. That country even smells good. Except when it doesn’t cause they plant these really stinky pollen trees sometimes. I’m already planning my next trip there, and it’s going to involve horses, luxury goods, and a three foot long rolling pin. The entire time I was there though, there was this voice in the back of my mind going, “enjoy it now, because this is the best it’s going to get. You’re never going to have as much disposable income again, and even if you do, things are going to get fucked up and polluted and ruined.” All the while, the rolling hills of Toscana were…rolling by outside my window.

I’m really happy that I have so many things going on all at the same time lately, but I’m also really angry about it, because this means I can’t sleep until 4 PM and stay up until 6 AM anymore. Not even one time! There’s always some kind of lunch, or a class, or a meeting that necessitates my presence during the daytime (the worst time). Why do people insist on including me and making me feel important!? Leave me alone. Let me wallow in my bed until the depression settles back in!

I’m loving Shanghai as always, but I’m also starting to dream of living by the sea in our own little white house with bay windows, cooking each other bacon and eggs. Lounging in our matching white pajamas,  as golden rays from the morning sun glints off of our perfectly coiffed golden hair. Sounds of giggling outside the breakfast nook precede our two perfect little tousle-headed children as they chase each other into our laps, and we sit around the breakfast table laughing with our perfect white teeth and giving each other loving looks, until junior spills orange juice all over his clean white pajamas…and…this might be an ad I saw for laundry detergent.

Okay yeah, it’s an add for a laundry detergent, but I want to live there anyways. Instead of here. Unless living there means all of our clothes are white, and we never talk about our problems or our bowel movements. I’m a bit annoyed by the layer of oily black skin Shanghai keeps leaving on my face after I cycle to work.

I’m also doubting the value of intelligence. If given the chance, I doubt I would hesitate before trading in my slightly-above-average intelligence for a better body, less anxiety, and a kinder outlook on the world.





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